


Homo (Sapiens)

by russomaha



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Bisexuality, Bodyguard, Dorks in Love, Dorks in love being oblivious, F/M, Fluff, Heterosexuality, Homosexuality, Humor, Lycantant biology, Sexual Orientation, Tumblr, bodyguard!Caine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russomaha/pseuds/russomaha
Summary: orThe Most Mortifying Conversation in the History of Mankind (and Probably Lycantkind, Too)“So, what do lycantants do for sex?”Because Caine can make even an exposition dump sound sexy.





	Homo (Sapiens)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: _You will not be able to unread this. The mere fact that I have written this tells me more about myself than I ever cared to know._

Biology has always fascinated Jupiter. Sure, astronomy is on the top of her scientific interests, but biology comes a close second. And now when she’s discovered how incredibly vast the inhabited universe really is and how many various creatures populate it, well… It’s intriguing, okay? In some aspects more than others. It is a completely academic interest, in no way practically rooted in her current situation. She does her research strictly for the sake of science.

First, she consults space-Google. Which promptly redirects her to space-Tumblr.

And space-Tumblr is packed full of –

No, just – _no_. There are some things that one ought to be capable of unreading and unseeing. She’s seriously considering asking the keepers to wipe her short-term memory.

So she goes to pump for information another of her most easily accessible sources. She’s sure _he_ will be much more reliable.

Besides, she likes the way Caine answers all of her question – no matter how stupid or random they are – in that calm, confident voice of his with utmost precision and sincerity. Besides, as her bodyguard, he is very concerned with her well-being, both physical and mental. She trusts him not to scar her for life, like space-Tumblr has done, as well as not to eviscerate her for prying.

She’s not sure how to go about it, considering that being tactful is not her strongest point, and decides on a band-aid approach – the quicker you rip it off, the less painful it will be. And the conversation they’re about to have _will be_ painful, Jupiter has no illusions about that.

So she struts resolutely towards Caine, who’s sitting on the stairs of Stinger’s porch, plops herself down beside him ungracefully and blurts before she has time to wimp out –

“So, what do lycantants do for sex?”

He gapes at her silently for a few torturously long moments. When Jupiter sees the colour his ears are taking, she feels vague stirrings of sympathy in her chest. She tramps down on them, though; she won’t let a trifle like humanism stand in the way of science.

When the answer is not forthcoming, she loses her nerve and starts babbling.

“Look, Caine, trust me, I’m embarrassed enough to have asked that question. To have you not answering it is beyond mortifying,” she pauses to take a gasping breath and rushes on. “Hey, where is your sense of responsibility?! You’ve got your _Queen_ beyond mortified here,” she’s not above playing a Queen card, not when _science_ is at stake. “You do realize that ‘mortify’ means ‘put to death’? I’m gonna die of embarrassment and then Stinger will be pissed at you. As will be Kiza.”

Kiza’s name seems to startle Caine out of his stupor. Apparently, their mutual friend, while disgruntled, is more terrifying than an intrusively curious sovereign.

“Maybe you could – look it up?” he asks weakly, a feeble hope in his voice.

“Hey, who do you take me for? I have educated myself. I have read – and watched – a lot of lycantant porn.” – Oh, gods, someone give her brain bleach right now. Not just to forget the bad one, but not to think of the good one around this super nose of his. Super Nose of _Doom_. Huh, she’s really hasn’t thought her strategy through, has she? – “Some really disturbing kinks aside, there’s mostly hot male-on-male action there. By the way, _why_ is there mostly hot male-on-male action?”

A long silence follows while Caine visibly tries to compose himself – hey, she can’t blame the guy, she would hate to explain human sexual behavior to him, were the situation reversed, then again, why would he be interested in human sexual behaviour unless he was interested in –

Nope, not going there either. Caine’s voice, controlled and even once again, draws her out of her reverie that’s gotten far too hot for her liking anyway -

“Well, we _are_ an all-male species, Your Majesty.”

_What._

Now she feels utterly dumb for not having noticed before. She’s never seen a female lycantant. She just thought they do vaguely exist somewhere in the nebulous beyond. Apparently, she was wrong. Then a thought occurs to her. A very, extremely, utterly unwelcome thought.

“So all lycantants are supposed to be into males, since you don’t have any females, right?” – He nods cautiously. – “There is no way you could be into” – _me_ – “a girl?” she squeaks.

“Just like not all humans feel attraction to the opposite sex, not all lycantants feel attraction to the same sex,” Caine replies easily.

“Are you telling me that a lycantant guy’s being into a girl means his being _gay?!!_ ”

“Basically, yes.”

_Mind blown._

“Then again, if a lycantant chooses to mat– err, I mean, _date_ outside of his species, like in my case,” he pointedly avoids looking at her now, “it usually means he’s attracted to the species in general. In the context of humans, that includes both men and women.”

So, he _is_ into human girls, too, after all? Wait, what if he has a girlfriend?! A boyfriend, Jupiter can live with. At least she will get to have dirty fantasies about those two. Dirty, devious, delightful fantasies. But a girlfriend?.. The guard’s next words startle her out of that particularly unpleasant train of thought.

“We call it homosexuality.”

At Jupiter’s stupefied expression, Caine clarifies, “ _Homo_ stands for _Homo Sapiens_ , the human.”

“So, you’re a bisexually gay person attracted to the species you’re not supposed to feel attraction to, which we humans usually call bestiality?”

“I guess,” the lycantant confirms uncertainly, looking as confused as she feels.

A long silence follows, while Jupiter tries to process the information.

It’s Caine who breaks the lingering lull in the conversation.

“You know, for someone who claims to be open-minded, you sure do label a lot, Your Majesty,” he comments softly, quietly, with a slightest hint of _wounded_ in his voice.

At that, Jupiter feels immediately repentant - she never means to hurt Caine yet somehow - with her gods-given talent of tactlessness - ends up hurting him anyway.

“Hey,” she nudges his side gently, “I like you no matter who or what you are, you know that, right?”

“You _like_ me?!” he wheezes, thunderstruck.

Well, it certainly didn’t come out the way she intended. She meant to convey her warm, cordial appreciation for him, that deep, encompassing fondness that seems to have rooted itself within her very bones, the unfailing elation she feels every time she sees him, along with a not-so-subtle hint of admiration –

Then again –

She raises her eyes to meet his startled gaze and says firmly,

“I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> _Please, note that I do not discriminate against any sexual orientation there is._   
>  _Nor do I discriminate against Tumblr, space or otherwise. One of my most favourite Tumblr blogs ever was called Fandom Creeper Hell. That's saying something._   
>    
>  _This was initially written as a part of **No Fear of Heights** , but somehow gemmated into a separate story in the process._


End file.
